i’ve been dying to be someone’s muse.– chance woodward
who, i ask, who?!
this weekend, i asked a few questions out loud. immediately after, i had to stop and think, who are you? question one to parking attendant: where did you park my other car? question two to hot dog vendor:do you think i could have another pickle? that one looks a little gross. question three to potential commissioned artist: can you have a mock-up within the week? meanwhile, on the hunt for...
i’ve decided i want to commission a painting. a grand painting. so i put an ad post on craigslist for the perfect artiste: graham commissions a painting. if you know of anyone, send them to me.
i can't think of anything clever to call this.
hearing thunder today was rather weird. it’s like hearing an old friend’s voice after not talking for a long time. or a song from your childhood. all winter long, no thunder, and then suddenly, today, out of no where, thunder. BOOM, it says. (‘Hello friend! Spring and Summer are on their way next!” it says).
she’s like a wind-up doll. always talking. always singing.– yeah, it probably wouldn’t be nice to say who said this about whom
oh yeah. that too. don’t forget the mustard. mus-tard. mus-tard.– an impatient customer ordering a sandwich
two [short] things
tonight i’m going to be apart of a focus group for casinos or something. i don’t think i am too qualified. the only thing i’ve ever gambled in my life is my heart. on another note: the other night, i took nyquil. the warning label said not to operate heavy machinery. it wasn’t until i was pulling clothes out of the laundry machine when i thought: is this okay?
an interview. with myself.
if i interviewed d. graham kostic (myself), here’s how it would be: graham kostic: hi graham. how are you? thanks for taking the time to talk with me. d. graham kostic: oh hi. no probem. really, it’s no probem. gk: so what makes d. graham kostic tick? dgk: [laugh] oh what a stock question. but i’ll answer it. competition makes d. graham kostic tick. [laugh]. gk: competition? but...
my family went to church in the gymnasium for easter. the same gymnasium where i went to high school. i was sitting there trying to take in the homily, and all i could think of was ‘go big blue!’ and ‘wildcats! wildcats! fight fight fight!’ it didn’t help any when our priest—in an effort to show how happy we should be that jesus has risen—made us do the wave. the...
last night, my family went to dinner with old friends that used to live on the same street in st. louis. i learned that my parents used to have crazy karaoke parties in our basement. i also learned that i can recall vivid details of our neighbor Vatia Flach (she was exactly like catherine o’hara’s character in beetlejuice). and then there was the weird, rich family who lived on the...
try one of these. doesn’t it look like dog food?– elise schmitt about her rice crackers
he is so pure, i feel like an old vampire woman around him– an old vampire woman
last night, i jumped my car battery. by myself. sweaty palms. dirty hands. hood up. yeah, man, i’m a regular bad ass. so i left the lights on in my car. and the battery just ran down. ran down all the way to nuttin’ honey. at first, i called land rover roadside assistance. they were sending someone. but they took 2 hours to get there. in a tow truck. that couldn’t fit in the...
science of sleep
it’s funny to think about sleeping. we all just close our eyes at night and then don’t wake up until the morning. or some people do it opposite. i was driving to work this morning and thought ‘man, that’s weird.’ right now, my bed is so comfortable. my sheets are comfortable. my comforter is comfortable (i think that’s why it’s called a comforter). my...
i’ll do it on my legs and on my moustache– meredith viera
i hope you don’t think it’s creepy that i always want to hug you.– a fan
my dear friend and colleague amalie drury let me borrow her rubberband workout gear. you know, this. i really love them a lot. and i think i’ve noticed a difference. but that’s silly to say, since i only did like 10 minutes of a workout last night. but i broke my stapler this morning. my brut force is alarming. and last night, i practically knocked my teeth out while taking a sip of...
basically, when i met him i thought he was a hairdresser.– a young lover