do you wear matching shoes with a green tux?
last night, i met a girl named betsey. betsey got married to a guy named david (pronounced dah-veed) in a comic book shop in ohio. betsey dressed up like cat woman. full black leather (pleather?) cat suit with a strapless, off-the-shoulder wedding dress over top. her maid of honor was a girl who dressed up like the penguin from batman. dah-veed dressed up like some character from wolverine. red...
i don’t know what that was, but i ate it.– elise schmitt (and really, she’ll eat anything)
and i’ll be luggin’ it down the street in my $600 shoes!!– my mom
little sallie mae
while filming for glossed and found at this new dentist office, i learned that i have a muscous retention cyst. i know, gross. i got this xray scan and then, oh my!, there it was. staring at me. this little blob sitting comfortably in my right sinus cavity. a retention cyst is defined as a mucous collection and forms when a mucous gland of the sinus becomes obstructed. i imagine it as that green...
one bread, one body
today is my mom and dad’s 35th anniversary. i spent the majority of the weekend with them in naperville. they finally bought their first ipod. i gave them a crash course to which they were huddled over me and the computer. my mom was taking notes. half-way through the tutorial, my dad picked up a remote control and pressed a few buttons. ‘what’s that for?’ i asked. his...
i think they had a foreign exchange student. and then they kept her.– my mom
it’s the truth. it’s actual. everything is satifactial.
i just buckle my seatbelt and then readjust my balls– an instructor of yamuna body rolling
we haven’t seen you at this cvs in awhile– apparently, i’m wanted at a few cvs’
i have few prized possessions. i know what you’re thinking. you’re thinking: yeah right graham, you have a lot of prized possessions. well yeah right to you! i really don’t. but i do have a few. naturally. I recently re-found a letter I found on the street about three years ago. it was stashed in a zippered pocket of a bag i no longer use. here it is, typed out (with original...
bin there, done that
while in the cab on the way to the airport this morning, i couldn’t help but listen to the dispatcher: ‘taylor so-and-so needs a ride at duval avenue and 32nd. her cell phone is 320.357….’ the dispatcher’s voice trails off as i get a little lost in thinking of this pick-up. i wonder if taylor had fun this weekend in austin. i look up her area code on my phone and...
may the force be with you
we’re a few moments away from hair and makeup call for my sister. you see, today we’re dressing up as our favorite star wars characters for jackson’s birthday party. i appropriately chose luke skywalker. and surprisingly (or alarmingly) i had all of the pieces to the young jedi’s costume in my closet. oyster colored tunic top? check. sandstorm boots? yes, sir! big black...
clark, please get rid of this beer so we don’t look like alcoholics– getting ready for my nephew’s 9th birthday party
if you dance the horah, i’ll give you a japanese drink– a good old bribe from my sister to my nephew
i have a friend who signs emails: ‘i.love.you’ i.like.that.a.lot i’m currently on a health kick. no, it has nothing to do with my new year’s resolutions. i’ve got ‘hip hop abs’ out of the vault, i only eat carrots and cucumbers (only!), i’m using those rubber stretch things that i stole from amalie (do you want those back, amalie?) and i took my first yoga class last night. the funny...
last night was my dad’s sixtieth birthday. my mom threw him a party at our house in naperville. i felt like i was on an episode of the real housewives of naperville. blake, dear friend, was quite the hit with the forty-plus crowd. tending bar, he seemed a natural to become the next love affair on desperate housewives. sam, another dear friend, also came. as people started arriving, i liked...
By the way have you seen little miss Kelly Patterson on facebook? She got hot...– a blast from the past
everyone is so nice today. not having correct change at starbucks, the clerk just waved his hand and said ‘get outta here!’ i told him to have a happy new year! booking a plane ticket over the phone, the telephone attendant asked ‘what’s modern luxury?’ and i said ‘what everyone needs in their life,’ to which she replied to me (and her fellow telephone...