he drinks until he’s a total mess and then gets down with folks– i mean, hilarious.
it takes more than a peach pussycat to get this dynamo in the sack– that’s hilarious.
i thought you were choking.– i have bronchitis, okay? that was me laughing. back off.
stylish even when sick
i went to the doctor’s today, finally. it turns out (big shocker!) that i have bronchitis. my doctor is a cute lady name dr. lynda s. lane. she is polite and nice and always applauds me for not smoking and also for getting regularly tested for stds and aids. today, she wanted me to get a chest x-ray to make sure i didn’t have pneumonia. i went to the x-ray station on floor one, and...
whoooo are you wearing?
i have an aversion to saying designer names out loud. which, given my job, is really hard to get around. really hard to get around. ‘so did we get the yves saint laurent cage booties in yet?’ AH, i say in my head, TORTURE! it’s funny, because when i was younger, i was all about it. like: all ‘bout it, grrrlfriend. when i was in college, i wouldn’t step outside my...
the pursuit of daisy duck
she gave you a bath?
this is lifted directly from an email i just received. i have read it over and over again for the majority of an hour and still am repulsed and fascinated by what was said: I don’t want you to repeat this! But in middle school, she gave me baths and insisted on washing my hair when I slept over. She also forced me to play strip pool with her and used my brush to comb through her newly grown pubic...
…and a mother in law who felt my dong purposely while doing the macarena.– a very colorful wedding, eh?
we can go to this amazing sushi place thursday for lunch. it’s $12 and you...– chance woodward
that's just sick
i’ve been sick for five days. one. two. three. four. five. FIVE days. a friend of mine the other night said “isn’t it funny that when you’re sick, you can’t remember what it’s like to be well?’ and then he added: ‘and when you’re well, you can’t ever imagine being sick again?’ truer thoughts have never been shared. i would have...
are you sitting down? this one takes a little bit of time.
custom-made blue ♥’s
jan, my dental hygienist
today, i got my teeth cleaned. i was long overdue for an appointment (almost by five months!) and so excited to go because jan, my dental hygienist, is really just the best. come to think of it, there are a handle full of women i hardly know that i love: oksana (my cleaning lady), roberta (my parking garage attendant), joan (my dad’s secretary), and jan (my dental hygeniest). i just love...
an egg-celent idea
last night, my sister sarah and i bought oksana, my cleaning lady, a pedi-egg. just a little something extra for the amazing job she does at my place. like honestly. she’s amazing. robyn? devon? isn’t she just amazing? you see, oksana was sarah’s cleaning lady when she lived in chicago. we. love. oksana. i left a note on my counter with her check and the pedi-egg and signed it...
they don’t get it, because when they go to the bars it’s all about...– sarah brooks kostic aldridge
yankee doodle dandy
the other day, my brother-in-law was talking about a girl we both knew. ‘did you know she’s dating a yankee?’ ‘aren’t we yankees, too?’ ‘the baseball team, graham.’ i thought he was talking about people who lived north of the mason-dixon line. in other news, excluding meals out, here is a list of things i bought yesteday: two mickey and minnie...
c’est mon réfrigérateur. il est plein des images. appréciez!
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'speak to a representative'
after dropping off a package at fedex, a lady approached me by the door and asked: ‘do you have a few minutes for a quick survey?’ i live for these moments. YES! ‘i’ll give you $10 for 12 minutes of your time,’ carol said. i told her that if she was going to charge by the minute, that rate was a little low, but i’m feelin’ lucky today, so what the hell. ...
i’m so starving, i’m ready to shove anything in my mouth– be careful what you wish for, mom-who-is-shopping-at-target
no pain, no gain
i like to watch the today show while i do my morning work-out routine. in the middle of working my ‘bliques (that’s Obliques, for those of you not in the know.), a very heart-warming story about a young boy with learning disabilities who has a soldier penpal in iraq came on. long story short: the mother starts to talk about how this penpal-ship has really helped her son to develop a...